Audio Atrocities (TM) :: Valis III (Turbografx)

Mmmm...Valis. This was a great side-scrolling platformer series with a female lead. Laura Croft was just a New Kids on the Block-lovin' tween when this series was in its prime. The game broke up the game scenes with cutscenes that had dialogue and effects spooled from the CD just like a "movie", courtesy of the newfangled CD player the Turbografx-16 offered as an option. If you only played the Genesis Valis games, you missed out. The Turbo/PC-Engine CD versions were what the series was about!

With that said, the dubbing and presentation of the US release of all the CD Valis games were pretty bad, and this one is no exception. Terrible casting, terrible acting, horrid cover art (what's with the 30/40-something chick on the cover? The heroine was supposed to be more youthful!). As with most of the NEC dubbing efforts, this game has a pretty small vocal cast trying to do more than one part with laughable results. There's also some really awful dialogue. The only thing that saved it was that the game was cool, and chicks with swords rule.

Exhibit A: “Hey, I may want to forget, but my body remembers well how that sword slashed me...”
Terrible writing, pathetic acting, complete lack of energy...no, this isn't a new Mark Burnett "reality" show, just another example of why NEC should have doubled their dubbing budget per game to $100...at least.

Exhibit B: “Ha, ha, ha...I'll do the honor of shoving those words back at you!”
Natural sounding laughter is hard to get in a studio. I'll grant that. But if it isn't working, for god's sake, cut the laughter out of the script! Of course, they didn't and here's a clip with some of the most pathetic "laughter" ever.

Exhibit C: “Even the mighty Ramses is taking me for a wimp. Asking me to battle with a girl.”
The delivery here is king. Be careful because it's easy to marvel at the halting delivery of this clip until it consumes you. It's impossible to stop asking things like "why?" and "how?" and all sorts of other logical questions regarding how this got in the game as-is. My personal theory is that this was around the time crack was really hitting the inner city and everything sounds better after your head's been drilled with a solid hit on the crackpipe...or so I heard.

The Rest:
Haven't had enough? Here's some additional clips for your amusement:
Clip 4, Clip 5, Clip 6, Clip 7, Clip 8, Clip 9, Clip 10, Clip 11

“Even the mighty Ramses is taking me for a wimp. Asking me to battle with a girl.”